Did it hurt?

You asked me the other day if it hurt and I didn't really know how to answer. I figured it out though. It all depends on how you classify the pain.
Yes it hurt, it was horrible and I cried every single time. It stung physically and tore and ripped at my heart. But I did it because there was something else that hurt more, something so unbearable I needed to create another pain just to cover it up.
I needed that other pain just to deal with everything else. I needed to release a pressure from within myself because if I didn't I would explode in a fit of tears and screams and my hands would shake and I would drive the blade too deep. So I cut when I felt it getting too much, because the idea that it would ever reach the point of 'too much' was terrifying. And sometimes it was too much, sometimes the blade did dig too deep in the search for freedom.
But I can't stress enough just how suffocating that other pain was.
I can't describe to you the way it constricted my chest until I felt every heartbeat hammering at my ribs, the way all my vocal cords would get tangled and strangle my breath and screams.
I can't describe to you the way my nerves would rewire so that even the lightest of touches were punches, the way my vision would begin to get cloudy around the edges until it all began to spin and sway until I felt truly and everlastingly lost.
I can't describe that pain to you, not really, not in any way that you could understand.
But cutting was what I used to get it to stop. It was something to focus on, something cold and sharp and swift that could be controlled when nothing else could.
So yes, it hurt, but not as much as other things.